I'm Done.

This isn't what I want. This has never been what I wanted, and I thought that was clear. Through all the signs, I still carried on as things were. Afraid to loose not only what I couldn't have,but was never mine to begin with. I heard the advice from my friends and peers, and listened to what my mind would scream before I fell asleep, but didn't listen. I continued falling down the rabbit hole to self destruction until I hit the bottom. I clinged to anything an everything I could grab, "anything is better than nothing". It's not though. Even though it's hard for me to see right now, this is the best move. I deserve to feel like I'm enough.

I am enough. I am full of life, and a child at heart. I am caring and helpful. I sincerely want to change the world for the better. I stand up for who and what I believe in. I sometimes fail, but I am still enough. I am human, and I am a woman, and I am enough. I am enough of a dreamer to yearn to be treated like a queen. I am enough of a realest to settle for princess. I know enough to realize that life goes on. But I cared enough for my heart to ache. I am enough. And I will not settle for anything or anyone that doesn't make feel like I'm enough.

I just got back from returning his belongings. I thought I saw an ounce of pain/regret. "This is out of nowhere" he said. I had to remind him it had been like this for a while, that I couldn't keep giving and not receiving. That I couldn't keep going on with things as they were. Feelings. I'm done.

I drove away and tried not to look back. Why is it after all he did to me I find myself crying?

Bababa Booty Call!

Well folks, I've finally got something worth blogging about! Since my college career began, friends and coworkers have advised me to enter the dating world. This year, I finally took the plunge. I consider myself somewhat a master at giving advice, especially relationship advice. However, I came to realize, through a friend, that I'd been ignoring all the usual red flags in my own dating life!

I met a guy on pof.com who I'd been texting/messaging for about a month before we finally decided to meet up and go on a date. I had already explained to him that, not only am I a virgin, but am also VERY innocent as far as any intimacy goes. He assured me we'd go slow. Even on the first date, there was a lot of kissing, hugging, he gave me a back rub, and there was some feeling me up on his part.

Second date was no different, but went a little further. After my best friend gave me a call to chat, I told her every detail. She was shocked, of course, innocent me finally getting somewhat intimate with people, on the second date nonetheless. My best friend called me back, not five minutes later, telling me there are a LOT of red flags. I was/am being treated like a booty call. Now it's just to move on from here. Sure as shit, the first time I step foot into the dating world, I turn into a lighter version of a booty call. Offta.

Long Time No Post

Hey everyone!

So, I really have no excuses, just haven't wrote anything on here in a while...The vegan thing lasted about 2 weeks until my funds diminished completely. You CAN NOT be vegan without a steady income. Period. I did learn something from it, like, soy milk is pretty damn good and I'll continue drinking it...also, more veggies and fruits in my diet. 

I 'spose now I can fill ya all in on what I've been doing the past month or so...I've been cleaning, jammin on my guitar, watching as much of The Vampire Diaries as possible in a given day, planted seeds, worked on a short story/novel, and watched my brothers kids and got ripped off. (Him and his wife still owe me at LEAST $60) I'll start working at the studio again on the 1st of June. We're BOTH really hoping I can get on CEP so the state will pay my wages. I'm also considering doing shows again with Dawn. If I do I've been told she's changed things and I'll be paid no matter what. Which has always been my concern with doing shows with her. 

I guess I'll let ya'll know what ends up happening...

Peace and love!

Vegan experiment- Day 3

Yesterday was TOUGH. I was EXTREMELY tempted to have pizza with my sisters, but grabbed a salad with some mushrooms and peppers instead. I will say yesterday was the hardest so far...Other than the salad, I had smoothie and a potato. :) I made it through the day, so I guess all is well.

Vegan- Day 2

I didn't wake up early enough for breakfast this morning...but for lunch I had a stuffed green pepper I made the night before. For a snack later in the day I made a smoothie, orange juice, a banana, and some strawberries. Dinner was an interesting one...I bought some red and yellow peppers and made a sort of stir fry..It had red and yellow peppers, onions, and mushrooms. I baked some potato rounds as a side..All in all it wasn't too bad. 

Trying Vegan- Day 1

I didn't know yesterdays eggs would be the last I'd have for 6 weeks or more. I went to meet with my boss/friend to have a business meeting, on the car ride to the restaurant she informed me she, and her family, were going vegan, and why I should too. I told her I would join her on her quest for 6 weeks, and then make the final decision.

The first day wasn't hard at all, not even when my dad decided to make steak for dinner. I made a smoothie with one banana, a few strawberries and almond milk (which I'll never use in a smoothie again) for myself and then made a stuffed green pepper with wild rice and mushrooms inside. 

So I guess, every day, for the next 6 weeks, there will be one daily post about my day, and what vegan dish I tried, as well as any difficulties I'm facing.

Thanks for reading!

Anxiety

Imagine yourself, just sitting at the computer...when suddenly your body's on high alert. You're heart's racing and your mind's thinking things you really don't want to think about. Now you're stuck with them..and can't get away..so you invite them in, thinking, if you can go at them head on, it'll be over...but it doesn't end. It hits you hard, you're gripping anything you can get your hand on tightly. It keeps coming on until you're hopelessly sobbing. And then, it disappears, but only for a few minutes, or if your lucky hours. It hits you when you're in class, or eating with a friend, or, the worst, when you're trying to sleep. That is, if you CAN sleep. It's not easy trying to sleep when you're whole body's on red alert.

Yup, it sucks, and I've had it happen to me at least a couple times a day the past two weeks. It's disrupting my school, work, and home life.